I Am Fat
(disclaimer: *this is a total venting post. It gets ugly and sounds completely self-deprecating, but sometimes you just gotta be real with yourself. If you’re not up for reading lots of whining, feel free to come back tomorrow when I’m sure I’ll be back to my “normal” self 
)
Well, I knew this day would come. One day when my head finally caught up with my body. I’ve been prancing around for the past year feeling light as a feather, a skinny minny, a sliver of my former self. However, today I looked in the mirror and saw nothin’ but the F –A –T. Yep, dimply blobby thighs shone like the sun blinding my eyes. I am fat.
To add insult to injury, I stepped on the scale. I KNEW I shouldn’t have. My inner voice was screaming to stay off it! Nothing good could come of it. Didn’t I already see the thighs? They completely confirmed what I already knew. But, I didn’t listen. I got on it. And it was a big jerk-off to me…
171
Really? Really???!!!! I mean, come on!
Well, I had to face facts. I think I’m doing all hunky-dory, but looking back at my posts since the holidays, there are days that are on target and days that I have oversnacked in the afternoon. Yeah, I write it; yeah, I take pictures of it, but just because I acknowledge it and fess up doesn’t make it not want to stick to my butt. Those extra calories count. Acknowledging it is good, but shutting my piehole is better.
I’m exercising, I’m goal-setting, goal checking, practicing and studying. And snacking. I’m just NOT GETTING IT! It’s not getting through to my big fat brain that I need to buckle down, stop these behaviors and just friggin’ get to goal.
I have never felt like a bigger hypocrite in my whole life. I was looking at my blog this morning and thinking, “Who the heck do you think you are?!” Seriously, here I am promoting the healthy living way, constantly blowing sunshine up everyone’s rear end with positive and motivational comments and yet, I am NOWHERE NEAR my goal weight and have been “trying” to get there for the past year! And now, I’m heading further away instead of closer.
I’m feeling pissed, frustrated, beat-up, war-torn and lost. I’ve lost that edge; that motivation to bring it all home. Maybe I gave up on the daily diet battle too soon. Back in the superfunk, I couldn’t imagine one more day of counting POINTS. I couldn’t imagine spending every waking minute worried about what I put in my mouth. And although I believe I’ve made some small mental and behavioral changes, look where I am. A whole 12 pounds from my original WW goal and about 20 from my personal (and very realistic for my height 5’7” – not a vanity weight) goal. Sigh. My BMI = overweight. Still. After 2 1/2 years from the start of this journey, I can call myself overweight. Still.
I don’t know what the answer for me is right now. I’ve tried on some different ideas. I’ve even thought for a moment about counting POINTS again, but started to get palpitations. Seriously. I don’t want to get caught up in the dieting mentality full force again, but maybe, I’m just not capable of getting to where I need to be without it. I just don’t know.
What I do know: I can’t go back to this. Never. So, there’s no giving up for me. But, settling is another story. And that is where I think I am right now. I’ve been settling. I am settling. I am settling for being ‘almost to goal’. I am settling for living as healthy a life as I am willing to for right now, but not pushing myself beyond that. I am settling in being overweight, even if it’s just a bit. I am settling for “almost”.
I need to finish.
Again, sorry for the debbie downer post 
Questions? Email me! aloserforlife@gmail.com
42 comments
I completely understand your frustration. This is exactly why this year I stopped paying attention to the number on the scale. I joined a gym and got a personal trainer and within weeks, I knew I was doing something right because my clothes were getting looser. Then I stepped on the scale, and it was like someone punched me in the stomach. No change. So then I started to question myself-was I imagining losing a size in clothing?? I mean, how could I be doing well if the scale doesn’t say so?? Talked to my trainer about it and she said she would rather me measure my progress by how my clothes fit and how I feel, since so many outside factors can affect the scale. I haven’t looked back since then.
{{HUGS}}-many of us know how hard this process is. I hope as the day goes on, you will feel better about yourself and know how beautiful and successful you are!
Wow, been there, done that, there again, doing that. Right now. Right there with you, M. Just hang in there and take it as it comes. We make changes one choice at a time. You will get back into your routine of healthier habits, and you will succeed. We both will.
Sorry you feel so down. IT SUCKS. Your are not the only person who is not at goal. I have been on my journey for a little over 3 years now and I hover around 179-180. I a 5′4 1/2″. Clearly I am still overweight, BUT I have gotten rid off around 15 lbs of fat since I began 3 years ago. More importantly, I have changed the way I eat, the way I see myself and have made exercise a part of my daily life. I feel better, look better, and am healthier. THAT’S WHAT IT IS ALL ABOUT!!! Please don’t beat yourself up. You must be kind to yourself. It is the journey not the destination!
Okay. There is an upside. Really. You know what it is? You blogged about it. You didn’t hide. You vented. THAT, my dear, is a step in the right direction. It’s not about perfection, it’s about progress. And now that it’s out there, you’ve got all of us to help you get it back in line.
Oh Friend! It is so good to know I am not aLONE. I wrote a similar ( struggling with food ) this morning, but you put it into words so much better. I did great over the holidays, now I feel like I am an eating machine. What gives?? I have no clue. My big plan is to hold on and do minimal damage. Things will cycle back around.
THEY MUST!
Hugs…it is indeed a frustrating process !!
I am beginning to think that each and every one of us is wired in a very specific way, and what is the optimal health course for one is not for all. Some do best with low carb, some with counting calories and fat through points, some through a million small meals per day and still others through nothing more than moving more. We all seem to start off well, make progress and then something happens to make things stall. Often, I suspect, it is listening to the wisdom that applies to bodies other than our own. Then it makes the most sense to go back, look at what worked the best for you in the beginning and repeat the process.I am trying to do the exact same thing myself now. I did this before and I can do this again- I just have to remeber the right course for my own body.
It’s sooo okay to be frustrated once in a while. You don’t have to be “perfect.” Don’t forget that you have come very far on your journey and make good choices most of the time! Give yourself credit for that!!!! You’ll get the afternoon snacking under control!
Maybe when it comes to snacking, it would be helpful to consider some new “rules” for yourself (maybe look at what you buy in terms of snack food; there are certain foods I simply won’t bring home as I know it’d be a disaster…).
Finally, I know you know this, but you are sooooo much more than the number on the scale (and that number is influenced by so many things). Focus on making small adjustments to what you are doing, and you’ll lose the remaining weight. But don’t give the scale power it doesn’t deserve!
I need to remind you (also because I need to remind MYSELF) that 2010 is OUR YEAR! Remember we made a pact to get to goal this year- does not matter when, but WE WILL! CHIN UP Over there! I’ve been feeling BLAH too- and I think just reading your post today helped me.
Oh and not seeing any yummy foods on your blog made me mad- so don’t let that happen again ok? lol 
You will get your groove back…and we will both be rocking out goal weights soon! 
xoxo
There is no success without some sort of failure. Been there, done that. I reached goal weight over a year ago, stayed there for a month or two, and have been hovering about 10-15 lbs above it since because I turned the other cheek to the good habits that got me there (food-logging, consistent intense workouts). Fessing up to something like that is horrifying when everyone puts you on some sort of health pedestal. But the truth is, we’re all human. No one is perfect.
Instead of being hard on yourself, look at all the success you’ve had. Your story is amazing! All you can really do is work hard and give it some time. You deserve it
Best of luck! Your honesty is so very admirable.
How did you get inside my head!
I was just having this conversation with myself this morning…I have HOVERED at this same stupid weight since November now. I am eating healthy but the snacks and lack of exercise are weighing me down. (BUT they are healthy LOL…nuts and organic dark chocolate!!!)
Funny enough it is almost the same number as you billboarded up there….I go up 2 pounds, down 2 pounds, up 2 pounds, down 2 pounds. 171-173…can’t shake the 170s!!!
I guess I am not alone! You have a great handle on it though and they way you have tackled everything else I am sure you will tackle this as well. It really is a hard process full of commitment and dedication….while surround by temptation!!! But you have mastered the lifestyle change. I know you will turn this car around based on all I have read!!
Oh….and I looked through your pix…you are beautiful!! Both before and after you know….although I know you feel much better about after…..
” I Am Fat”
You are SO MANY other things! A wonderful mother, a runner (you may not think so but compared to me you are!), a wife, a daughter, a frickin’ great cook (if the foods taste as good as they look!), and an all around great person & blogger!
It’s normal for us to go through the ups and downs when it comes to weight loss. But do yourself a little favor and go look back through those before/after pics you linked to. I looked at them and I think you look like a whole new person. THAT’S an amazing accomplishment!
It’s easy to just “live” our lives and not challenge ourselves. What I find works best for me is a goal. (Another race perhaps?) My wedding last year was a great goal! Then I was in limbo for a bit, gained 11 lbs and thought, ok what now? I need something else. SO. I booked a vacation. Somewhere warm, somewhere tropical. And you can bet I’m on a mission to get into that swimsuit!
Goals work for me – maybe something like that could help you continue your mission?
You are beautiful!!and strong…I am 130 and can barely run .You ran a 5k!! You definitely have every right to vent,but you positive energy is so beautiful.Keep it up.You WILL get to where you want to be:-) cc
Marisa! First, calm down! It’s ok! You are not SO FAR from goal! But I know exactly what you are talking about. My goal is 160. I’m now at 170 (my lowest was 163). Recently after the holidays I was up to 175! I couldn’t believe it! I was not long ago at 163!! And I too look in the mirror sometimes and think “Only plastic surgery could fix that!!” lol. But other times, not so bad!
I was slacking on counting points (never gave up). but since the 1st, I’m back to counting points. 100%! And it’s working right now. Doesn’t mean you have to count points forever!
Have you ever thought about the filling foods technique? A lot of what you eat is on that list. Then you just count points for what’s not on the list (bread, ice cream, snacking stuff). It’s kind of a cross between what you are doing and counting points. You listen to your hunger signals, don’t have to count points for fruit and stuff. What do you think??
Since we are in similar weight situations (also 2 1/2 years in to the program), feel free to email me if you need anything!!
It will be ok. You are not really fat but just not where you want to be. Try to get the snacking under control and maybe up the activities a little and stay away from the evil scale.
Everyone has those days, and sometimes coming to the breaking point is just what we need to get back on track. I think you’re an intelligent strong woman, and I know you’re on to something with intuitive eating and breaking away from the dieting mentality. I lost 20 pounds by taking the exact same route, and I think it helped keep me sane in the process. You’ve got this! It’s the new year, timing for new successes!
I know how you feel, I definitely have my days of thinking about what a failure I am but then I realize, wait, I’ve lost 50 pounds and kept it off. That is such an awesome accomplishment. Yeah, I’d like to be about 15 pounds lighter and I’m working towards that goal but I’m ok if it takes a year for that to happen. It’s not healthy to obsess about every crumb you eat, every time I’ve done that, I’ve ended up losing weight but still being miserable because I shamed myself every time I ate anything but salad and I didn’t enjoy my life. What’s the point in being skinny if you’re miserable? Take it slow and remember that you’re human, you’re going to eat cookies sometimes and then you’ll get back on track and it’ll all be ok. Just breathe and stop shaming yourself for being human.
First of all, kudos on the seriously fantastic ass kicking you just gave yourself. That is first class rant!
By the way, I’m kind of excited that you weigh 171 lbs. Because I am a horribly selfish individual. That is the exact number I hope to see on the scale tonight and I am also 5′7″ tall. So what do you say we do this together?
Fact: weight will creep back on. Period
If counting points makes your heart do somersaults, find another plan. I know you’d like to do this with lifestyle changes and that is admirable as all get out but I’m convinced that lifestyle will help you maintain your weight, not lose. And you want to lose, right? Me too!
Let’s get this ephine thing done once and for all Marisa!
Don’t frown girlfriend, I ‘ve been feeling like I’m stuck in a funk. You are beautiful inside and out, don’t focus on the weight and keep your head up. Your one of the first blogs I read, which helped me to start blogging and continue my journey of weight loss
aw marisa, sorry to hear you sounding so down!!! sounds like you are having one of those days where you just feel all-around gross and remembering how far you’ve come does nothing but remind you of how far you feel like you have to go…i think everyone has been there at some point or another. and it sounds like you have these days very rarely, which is awesome! i think your mind is strong and your body is strong and you are a very determined person. the extra 20lbs you are looking to lose can and will come off this year if you put your mind to it.
maybe it means doing something differently, be it weight training or joining a running group or whatever. the reason why i am thinking more of exercise rather than food changes is because overall, i think you make really great food choices. AND if counting points makes you feel like you are sliding backwards, then you’ve probably come to the conclusion that you’d rather worry about food taste and quality than point value, which i think is great.
i think it can be really hard to find a balance between eating and enjoying food and having to think about the dreaded diet. right now, i am trying to ask myself “is it worth it?” as a way to lose the holiday weight. sometimes ALL i want in the world is ice cream. then yes, it’s worth it. sometimes i am content with a popsicle. so popsicle it is.
one other thing you can try is to think of the time or times you snack the most. is it because u are hungry or because it’s a routine? if its a routine, maybe try to start a new routine in it’s place and see if that helps break the spell!!!!
i hope you wake up tomorrow KNOWING how awesome you are, and how fabulous you look!!!! you will make it happen
This post is amazing because it is REAL! You are awesome for laying it out there like that and you have nothing to be ashamed of. We all have these struggles from time to time. You are recognizing them and getting the fire lit to do something about it. You have the tools and the power so go for it!! And you know what – taking time not to worry about it and stress yourself over everything like you’ve done is perfectly fine. And I really think a good thing too. Life is a journey that should be enjoyed. You have done just that. Keep on living and your focus will work for your good in due time
There is a beginning to a diet but there really is no end. That has been my problem all along. Once I stop dieting the weight returns. This time I will do all the right things – and it sounds like you will too, Marisa. Keeping it off is as difficult as taking it off.
As I told someone this weekend, you should only make changes that you would like to keep as long term changes. Things you can stick with. If that is counting points, fine, if not, find something else.
If it isn’t something that you can see yourself sticking with long term, you won’t, and the weight will come back.
But, the important part is that you KNOW what’s going on and you acknowledged it and now you can fix it.
Good luck and feel free to rant. That’s what the blog is for and we all have those days.
Hey…. a bump in the road doesn’t change the direction of the car!
Starting over is hard, but I know you can do it!
all i can say is WW works! they always tell us in our meetings “if you halfway do it, it halfway works”…..”if you really do it, it really works!”. you need to buckle down! and REALLY do this if you want to reach your goal! you can do this! track your points, get in your exercise “most” days & do this! get your mind straight and GOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! we all know you can!
I rejoined Weight Watchers last March for probably the 9th or 10th time since May 2000! It sucks starting over, and it’s a little embarrassing, but soon you’ll be on the right track, and you’ll feel SO much better. You can do it!
I wish I had some words of wisdom for you right now, but I don’t.
Reason why, is because I feel the same way most of the time. I fell into a “settled” slump a few months back and I think it’s due to finally feeling confident again. I no longer feel like the big girl when I’m out with my friends. But, even with those accomplishments, I am still not where I ultimately want to be, but I’m no longer desperate to lose fast like I was at my heaviest. And to top it all off, I’m now 2 months prego with my 2nd. Ugh.
I hope you get your mojo back soon. But I also have to tell you, that you are a great inspiration even with the little set back. Thanks for sharing your struggles and successes.
I love your honesty. It is so brave of you to come clean and get real about where you are and where you want to be. It is the first step in getting it! Hang in there, I think your on the verge of an epiphany !
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I SO know how you feel! I think ALL of us who are fighting this battle with you know how you feel. Some days I just want to say “what the hell” and give up, but you can’t do that. You are a great inspiration to us all, and the best part is that you shared your frustrations with us. The worst thing you can do is hold it all in and eat yourself back to where you started b/c you get depressed. I wish only the best for you and know that you will dust yourself off and keep going until you get to your personal goal! Hang in there chicka!!
Guess what I weighed this morning? ***171*** And I’m about your height.
Some days (moments) I think I look great, and other days (moments) I think, my goodness, I’m still at least 20 pounds overweight. I too have been holding since November.
I guess my point is, fat is kind of an elastic concept. You’ve come so far. Compared to your before picture, you most certainly are NOT fat. (And you are objectively very pretty, which is always a comfort, fat or thin).
Chin up for the BMI-of-26 or 27 or whatever it. Yay us!
Hey – we all hit this point, multiple times for some of us. You aren’t a hypocrite, things just slide sometimes and it takes a wakeup call. Be glad you got this wakeup call sooner rather than 50 pounds into the future.
And you don’t have to be at goal to be successful and an inspiration. Just sayin’……
Honey, you have to know that you are not alone. Do you realize how many of us have gone through this?
I’ve told you before and I’ll tell you again: reading your blog put me back on the weight loss track in early 2009. I fell off the wagon in July of 2009 again and didn’t get back on until December. It was tough to face the music when I got back on that scale.
There are two things you can do now:
1) give up (which really isn’t an option)
2) regroup and refocus and move forward
*hint* pick #2
No, counting points the rest of your life doesn’t sound great. Neither does counting calories or doing any sort of tracking that makes food such a focus. But, and this is just me, I’ve come to view points and calories and everything else as a tool to get me to my goal.
If your goal was to build a house you would need a hammer and various other tools. A house is the goal but you need the tools. It doesn’t mean that you have to go around with a hammer in your hand after the house is built (or count points or calories once you reach your goal) but at least you will have the tool available for when the house needs repairs (or we gain a few pounds and who doesn’t?).
For me, counting and making this a focus in my life is just a tool. When I get to my goal I don’t plan to track nearly as dutifully as I am now. I will, hopefully, learn how to eat intuitively enough to know what is best for me day to day. I will still weigh in each week to just keep an eye on the weight. If it starts to creep back up I’ll pick up my hammer (couting points or calories) and get back to that beautiful house.
It’s worth it. You’re worth the effort. And you are not a hypocrite. You are human.
And you are loved and appreciated. Look how many people visit your blog and leave comments.
Hang in there. I’m sending you a virtual hug.
You are amazing – just as beautiful on the outside as you are on the inside! Keep fighting the fight!
Marissa: {{HUGS}}! It seems that weight loss can be easy but the hard part is maintenance. I’m scared about maintenance because it is the hardest part. You are worth it to take better care of your self, eat healthier, and be happy. I find your story inspirational and you are human – we all are! I know that you can kick fat’s a@@ for good!!
Marisa,
Don’t apologize for a downer post. Any of us who have battled with our weight could have written this post – me included. It’s such a balance once you get closer to your goal or at your goal to 1) figure out where exactly you want to be, and 2) to avoid sliding back.
You will be able to figure out what will work for you. Look how far you’ve come. You can totally do this and stay at the weight you feel comfortable with.
Take care and I bet today will be a better day!
Marisa, sorry I didn’t comment yesterday. So busy never checked the blogs. But as soon as I read it this morning, I had to stop everything to send this note to you!!!!
We’ve all been there. We all have our good and bad days. I personally think you should give yourself a break. You’ve been feeling so good about what you ARE doing. Look at all the exercise you’ve been getting. Think of where you would be if you WEREN’T doing all the running and other activities you do on a daily basis!!! The food thing is going to come and go. You’ll get past this. I know you can!
Don’t give up. Hang in there. Stick with us. We’re all in the same boat and it IS NOT SINKING!!!! We’re floating and sailing, just that the wind isn’t always under our sails. Sometimes we’re just hanging out enjoying the sunrise.
Your are a great motivator and have come a long way. So give yourself a pat on the back and keep going.
I have a feeling most of us can relate to your post, Marisa. I have also been “almost at goal” (within 15 pounds) for two years now. And I have had moments where I thought “I binged today or I’m not at goal yet, why should anyone listen to me?” too. In the long run, none of that matters. You are successful and you shared yourself and what you learned. You can, and will, get there (so will I!). I’m glad you vented. Get it out. Address the problem and move on. Figure out your strategy (counting or something else) and do it. xo
All jokes aside, sometimes you gotta get mad and pissed at the thigh fat and hate it real bad. Not to be confused with hating yourself.
Regardless of how much you weigh right now or this blobbly thing you speak of, YOU have inspired me. And even more-so now since I can further relate to someone with the same struggles as I.
((hugs)) indeed!
Sometimes we need to kick our own arse’s don’t we? I’ve been there, too. Many times. If I can help you on your journey you know where to reach me!
Marisa you have done such an incredible job to date- You inspired me with your 5K! you’ve come so far!
We’ve all been there, Marisa. You are definitely not alone. Try to remember the BIG picture in what you have done for your health, and all the progress you have made. A few tiny steps in the wrong direction are no big deal. You are writing your own story and these little set-backs can be part of a really good one, because you’re about to turn it around again, and everyone loves that part!
I know this is a little late but I want you to know that I have been thinking about you alot since this post and I just wanted to say that I think you are STILL doing a fabulous job. You are trying. You did not give up.. You are not going to give up. You are still living a healthy lifestyle. You are exercising…You are aware of what you put in your mouth…you have not given up totally like I know I have so many times. I really look up to you and I think that you will get to your goal because from reading your blog I know that you are a strong and determined woman! In my eyes I consider you to be maintaining what you have already achieved which is still considered success to me. I wish you much luck in continuing to finish! I am here cheering you on…..from the sidelines…..fat and pregnant!