The Dark Side
This past week has been hard. The preparation for little daughter’s First Communion threw off much of my routine so my exercise was wonky and my eating wasn’t the best. The end of the week into the weekend pretty much was an eating free-for-all.
Actually, Friday night I fell into bed exhausted and feeling so alone in this journey of healthy eating. Being surrounded by all this food made me feel like a recovering alcoholic that would have to work in a bar. I was feeling the pull…the draw of the food…the emotions surrounding it all…and I caved.
I went over to The Dark Side.
The three day binge really affected me. It was eerily familiar. I remember these days. I remember eating this way ALL THE TIME. It’s been a while since I’ve had that feeling of reckless abandon. Usually it’s a one shot deal. A one day affair or just a meal. This was very different. This was old school. Back to 234 lbs. old school…
I’m not entirely sure what triggered it. Probably just stress or getting everything together so that it would be a nice event and memory for little daughter and our family. Then, it snowballed to me feeling tired of no one being in “my corner” as far as eating healthy is concerned. I’m worn in trying to convince my family members that we can eat healthy and still enjoy it. It’s a hard sell on a daily basis. I feel like the door-to-door salesman that is always getting the door slammed in his face.
This weekend it was feeling easier to cave. I had that “if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em” attitude. It scared me a little. And although, I really went haywire in the food department eating multiple, MULTIPLE servings and endless, ENDLESS desserts; I hated every minute of it. Oddly, I didn’t enjoy it like I thought I would or should. I realized THIS IS NOT ME. I can’t do this anymore.
It was a major epiphany for me. Even though I may not be at goal, I may not be done with losing weight; I know that I am done with GAINING WEIGHT. I can’t eat like the “old me.” I don’t even want to.
Eating healthy is the path for me. I really enjoy it. My body does, too. And although I may fall off the wagon here and there or overeat some afternoon snacks, I know that it won’t turn into more than that.
I feared that this weekend was a one way trip to The Dark Side. Thankfully, this trip has been…
Have a great day, everyone 
Are you alone in your healthy eating lifestyle or are your family members/friends on board?
Questions? Email me! aloserforlife@gmail.com
27 comments
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Here we are doing this as a family , BUT…at first the guys were absolutely unwilling to participate. The first month of the journey was a not stop screaming fest punctuated by stupid arguments, attempts at sanbotage and worse. Imagine an argument where one male insisted that a 5 dollar Polish Sausage sandwich was cheaper, healthier and more convenient than a 79 cent head of romaine lettuce and a 70 cent can of tuna. There were tears, there was great protests and there were dinnertimes that resembled a great civil war battleground. I felt hopelessly alone and then a miracle happened. They began to notice how much better they felt, how much more flavor food had and how the table actually looked better with the healthy food on it. They came around- for most things. There are still incidents, such as any time we find coupons for ice cream or pass a bakery counter or some stupid commercial runs making one thing fried chicken in a pink bucket is actually going to cure breast cancer, but now instead of yelling and tears there is an exchange of how said food impacts your body and usually the discussion ends. Other times I volunteer to make a healthier alternative to the desired food. Sometimes I give in but limit the portions. It is hard, you do have to get out the ugly stick and make temporary enemies, there will be tears, but they will pass and they will thank you for it later. In the meantime, I found a big pillow to scream into very helpful.
I just got the hubby on board and he’s happy he lost 14 pounds. I keep praying that he sticks with it and it’s not a one shot deal. I have the documentary Food Inc. to thank for changing his processed food habits.
Hey there, darling. There’s no surprise that this was an emotional weekend for you and your family. No matter how we try, we cannot control how situations trigger emotional responses for us. We are human beings, and we are never going to be perfect–even if that’s our goal.
That said–as your partner in crime, your friend–know that I am ALWAYS on your side–no matter what. And trust me, nobody gets more looks like ARE YOU CRAZY??? when I try to encourage these two who live at my house with me to eat right and try new stuff. But we need to decide to ourselves that we are worth it to do what is right for us. And although we’ll never stop bugging and prodding them, they may never come to like leafy greens or beets. Oh well. More for us.
Hang in there, girl! You’re awesome.
Keep fightin’ the good fight, Marisa. I know what you mean – there are certainly days that can be challenging. You are doing so well, though. Keep on believing in what you are doing – it is so good….
And you are an amazing and awesome person – keep shining your light out onto your family (and here!)…
Most the time I am alone, if fact some relative call the way I eat “that” like it is some unspoken evil word. I share your pain. I way over ate yesterday and being that it was Mother’s day and we also went and got my free birthday meal at red robin. Ate cookies in the afternoon, and aslo a big dinner, by 6 I was extremely depressed. I have been plateauing for about 3 weeks now and know that yesterday may cause the scale to move in the wrong direction. Pants are tight this morning. I hate the way it can effect how I feel.
Hang in there girl! This is a tough journey and I feel the same way sometimes too. From reading your blog, I am amazed at your strength and how you eat healthy most of the time. That is an achievement. Don’t beat yourself too hard.
It’s funny, I wrote something similar on The Fresh Food Family today. I tried to “healthify” our Mother’s Day dinner just a little bit, and my mom practically had a fit.
I’m glad your trip to the Dark Side wasn’t one way. I think exhaustion has a LOT to do with it – you just lose your defenses and your body is trying to gain some energy, and all that food is there…it’s the perfect storm.
That being said, you’ve got the right thinking. We all slip up sometimes – this won’t be the last time, but at least you know it’s not a permanent change – this too shall pass.
My parents have a relatively healthy eating going on. We had Lamb Osso Bucco. As long as I watch portion control, I’m ok. But portions are the hardest thing for me during a party. I ate multiple portions too. I justify it by saying, well, it’s not that bad for me! But that’ s not the right thinking! I work on it.
I made the dessert so it was healthy and my parents brought home fattening ice cream to go with it from the restaurant they own (yes! they own a restaurant!!) So I still over ate but at least you can get back on track today!
My trip to the dark side was cancelled too! Lol
By the way, my dad’s Lamb Osso Bucco is my most favorite meal on the planet and I only get it a few times a year. I think I try to justify over eating b/c of that too.
I know I don’t comment often but I read your blog every day
I have to say, I didn’t realize you had lost so much weight! I’m super impressed!
Oddly enough, I like those sorts of slips into “the dark side” where you realize it wasn’t that great afterall. I think it makes not indulging the next time so much easer when you know the payoff is not worth the price. You have a great attitude about it!
I’m pretty much on my own when it comes to my day to day life with my husband. Going back to my parents house is a different story though, they fully support my healthy habits and my mom is so amazingly accommodating to all the new things that I do toward healthy eating.
In fact, I’m getting a little worn out with fighting a losing battle with my husband that I’m thinking a visit to the folks’ house might be just what I need to recharge.
Hey,
I can totally understand how you feel.
For me it’s basically just me eating healthy too. My mom is fine with eating healthy but works all over the world (at the moment in Canada) and therefore is rarely ever at home.
My dad on the other side does not get the eating healthy part or the WW part for that matter. He is one of those ppl that say: Fat is the reason food tastes good so you nedd lots of it. There is always butter on veggies for example which is absolutely unnecessary but he thinks they taste better that way. he also doesn’t understand how I can cook my steak in a tsp of oil…
But we found our ways to work around each other. Weekends are usually the only occasions where we eat together and it got into a we eat the same things but everybody prepares their food on their own affair. Except when my mom is around then we’re way better at compromising.
I think you’re doing a great job and that you should keep up the good work.
We all have bad weekends where we splurge non-stop but you (like me) noticed that this is not a way to enjoy food anymore and therefore we set the milestone to a healthy lifestyle!
Well, you gotta look at the positive side here. You managed to snap out of it and realize that that isn’t what you want anymore. You know what works for you and how you feel best.
I gotta admit, my family is supportive most of the time but other times… they just don’t understand. They don’t understand why I worry about what I eat, why I choose not to eat certain things, etc. I mean, they understand the practical side of it but they don’t understand the struggle, the WHY I have to do things this way. It’s hard to explain, really.
Hope you feel better now.
With maintenance, it really is not the binge itself that has any meaning, it is what you do afterward that really counts. We all have those trips to the dark side. Sometimes they don’t feel like very good visits, as it sounds like yours was not. The scary part about it is how easy it can be to fall back into those patterns.
I am fortunate now that my hubby eats pretty healthy, so it makes it easier on me, but he still makes things that can really set off my triggers on occasion!
i know you must have been frustrated with yourself the past three days, even though emotional eating is unavoidable. still, the feeling of emotional eating when you are not even enjoying the food is not a good one. realizing that you LIKE your healthy path is awesome. you are so much stronger than you realize!!!! and recognizing that you might have one afternoon of endless snacking is just knowing that we cant always be perfect and that while you might not be able to avoid times like that, you can avoid the “old” mindset. because it isnt your mindset anymore!
hehe. I like that canceled stamp. You mean business. We all slip along the slope sometimes, but so glad that you got your footing back.
What an honest post- thank you for it. I know how you feel. My husband eats what I makes and doesn’t complain, but he doesn’t share the passion I have for health and fitness. I love reading about nutrition, health, diet, fitness, etc. He does not. That’s why I love blogs- it’s where I learn I’m NOT alone.
P.S.- I read in your old posts about intuitive eating and bought the book. THANK YOU! I have since stopped doing WW and focusing on intuitive eating. In the past 3 weeks I haven’t lost much (a pound total) but I haven’t gained. And best of all, I feel free and happy!! I’ve been writing about my experiences with it on my blog and I am really thankful to you mentioning it here!
It is hard to be the lone ranger Marisa. I applaud you for getting back to your program and dealing with the feelings. It must have been so difficult making all of that food and having it around for days! Do you think there is anything you could have done differently that would have prevented this from happening?
I only cook healthy food for everyone on a daily basis even if we are having company. People are often shocked to find out they are eating a healthy version of something. I do sometimes bake something that is not “light” when requested but I usually don’t eat it. My taste in food has really changed. I have recently started to take something healthy with me if I know I am going to a dinner at a friends house with not many healthy choices. Everyone usually ends up eating some of what I bring. I don’t feel bad about it, I have embraced it. A friend of mine who has discovered she has food allergies has had to start doing the same thing. A diabetic is faced with the same challenges. I have food issues so I have decided I am going to look out for me at all costs.
I figure I am living a healthy lifestyle so it isn’t like a diet, I can’t go off my healthy” lifestyle.” My choices with in that lifestyle might not always be the healthiest choice but they are still a choice.
Have you read Geneen Roths new book Women Food and God? I just finished reading it and wrote a review about it. I think you would find it very helpful. She talks about the feelings you described and how to get past this kind of eating cycle we can fall into.
Better days are ahead for you.
I love how you said that – ‘the dark side’ – since it is perfect for what I have been experiencing off and on the past weeks. That overeating that reminds me of the old me, the out-of-control me.
My husband says he is trying to lose weight but he has some very strange ways to go about it. And my teen son at home eats what teens eat and fortunately is skinny and has no issues with food. So I am plugging away on my own.
my family’s always been on board but i always found it hard dealing with food…i just really love eating a lot of food when i’m in social situations sometimes and i was never willing to give it up. i did a post on ‘planned binges’ – it’s what’s been most helpful to me in my recovery and finding peace with my life-long battle with binge eating. be good to yourself these next few days – it’s definitely a journey.
The great thing is that you realize the issue and have resolved to get over it. We all have those times when we fall off, but you realize that it was a brief hiatus not how you are now. You have come far and you won’t go back, I know it. So you had a few bad days. Their behind you now so move on! You can do it!!
A great honest post, this is not easy and when faced with a special occasion I slide BIG TIME. Its hard. My family is half and half, if the food tastes good than they will eat it. Although all my daughters like right now is chocolate! What have I done??lol! But I just keep trying its all you can do.
This was a fabulous post – both honest and relevant. Because we all face those times and decisions. Honestly, even in 12 years of maintenance I still have to consciously choose to do the right thing most of the time – or else I will gain along with everyone else!
Great job Marisa!
[...] wanted to say thank you for the supportive comments on my last post. I appreciate your insights and understanding so [...]
I HATE the Dark Side. I’ve been there so many times. I think I am like you and I really enjoy eating healthy, no I KNOW it, but when I am on the dark side, I forget it. Ah….the journey, it is such a journey.