Eat, Relax, Love
I got a call this morning…
*phone rings*
Me: Hello.
Gram: *insert Italian accent and broken English* Maaadeeesa, it Grahma.
Me: Oh, hi Gram!
Gram: You wanna come fa lunch?
Me: *mind swirls with excuses knowing nothing good can come of this, but I cannot lie* Uh, okay Gram.
Gram: Yeah, I gotta tuna fish sahlad an chick sahlad from the place (restaurant in her complex). You share wit me.
Me: That’s okay, Gram, I’ll just bring my lunch.
Gram: Noooo, we share it.
Me: Gram, I don’t really want to eat the tuna or chicken salad. It has a lot of mayonnaise and I’m trying not to eat that kind of stuff.
Gram: Noooo, it don’t have too much. They give you extra on the side. It’s good. I have it before. You like it.
Me: Really, I can just bring my lunch Gram, it’s no big deal.
Gram: NOOOO, we share.
Me: Gram, you eat it, really, I’ll just bring my own. I have tons of stuff here.
Gram: Ooookaaaay, whateva you want. *translation: You are dead to me*
Me: Okay, Gram I’ll share with you. Sounds good. See you for lunch. Bye.
If this was Moot Food Court, Gram won hands down. 
I was so frustrated when I got off the phone. And a little mad. Why do I have to eat something that doesn’t make me feel good? Why do I have to eat this heavy-duty lunch that I don’t really want? Why can’t I just say no? I had a million why’s going through my head and found myself getting more and more upset.
Then, it hit me. The reason why I was getting upset was fear. I was afraid of all the calories in tuna and chicken salad with mayo. I was afraid that eating it would blow my healthy eating aspirations out of the water. I was afraid that I would gain weight if I ate it. I was afraid that I might like it and want more.
I wanted to blame my Gram for these feelings. I wanted to lament that I live with food pushers who are always trying to make me eat things that I don’t want. But, I can’t.
To my family, food is love. It may be strange to some, but that is often how we show our love for each other and it symbolizes togetherness as a family. We make food. We eat food. And we want others to eat our food and share in the love. Gram is big on showing her love through food. Although I feel it’s overboard sometimes, that’s her way. It’s all she’s got.
Fear does strange things to us. It holds us back and keeps us from experiencing joy in life. I was allowing fear to do just that. Instead of concentrating on enjoying time with my Gram, I was worried about tuna salad. One lunch of tuna salad was not going to break me. I would not gain 5 lbs. from eating it and I would not continue to slop a vat of mayo on everything I ate for the rest of my life. It’s just one lunch.
I started to calm down. The more I thought about the situation, the more I realized it was silly. And about much more than tuna salad. It’s about relaxing and trusting. Relaxing about not having control over everything I put in my mouth at every moment. Sometimes, other people are going to make food and I am going to have to eat it. I am going to eat at barbeques, dinner parties, weddings and restaurants. I won’t have control over what is served and how it’s prepared. And it’s OKAY because it’s just one meal. That’s it. No need for fear that my hips will immediately inflate if I ingest a dish with a little extra oil, butter or whatnot.
Then there’s trusting. Trusting that I am strong enough to have these meals without going overboard. Trusting that I will continue to stay the healthy eating course for a lifetime. I have already talked about crossing over and never going back. I need to trust that it’s the truth. I need to trust myself.
Today was a good lesson. Another opportunity for growth in this whole crazy journey. All part of the fun, I guess!
*insert Gram voice* I know I like it 
We shared, we ate, we loved…
Have a great day, everyone!
Do you fear food that you haven’t prepared yourself? Are you able to relax and eat without guilt or fear?
Questions? Email me! aloserforlife@gmail.com
24 comments
I can totally appreciate this type of anxiety. I am a planner. I know what my week looks like and what I need to compensate for and when. BUT, I tell you what, if I could go back and share a big bowl of pasta or an entire plate of chocolate chip cookies with one of my grandmothers, I would. In a heartbeat. You did the right thing.
I LOVE this post!!! I am really big into self-trust these days…besides, saying “yes” to Gram doesn’t mean you have to eat too much…I know you know that
But yeah, I can totally relate to that feeling that you’re going to regain all the weight you lost…overnight.
I totally understand your fear. I get the same feeling anytime I don’t have compete control of what I going to eat. I was trying to find a restaurant to go to this weekend and I hate that I’ve made myself afraid to eat out because I’m afraid I’ll gain weight. However, this post totally made me cry. It reminded me so much of my Grandma. I have a big Italian family and they definitely show their love with food! Like Joanna, I would love if I go back and share food with my Grandma. No matter what it was. She was such an amazing and loving lady. She really taught me about the great things in and life and I am forever grateful of that.
I know the feelings, but your Grandmother won’t be around forever, and it’s really all about spending a bit of time with her. Eat the tuna salad (you don’t have to eat a ton of it) and focus on her! LOVE your blog!
This is such a great post. It is SO important for us to keep in mind that food shouldn’t have this kind of power. It’s tough though. Right now we’re getting ready to spend a week with my family in Florida, and I can’t help worrying about eating badly while I’m there, not getting in enough exercise (or any) and undoing everything I’ve done… because it’s totally possible to regian 40 pounds in a week, right?
Thanks for giving me the chance to step back, get a little perspective, and remember that no matter what happens during that week, I should be focusing on spending time with people I love and forget about the rest.
What a great post. I can totally relate to the food pusher thing (we talked about this at Fitbloggin’), but your thought process just shows how far you’ve come!
Don’t fear the mayo!!!
Marisa,
This post was a divinely inspired message through your fingers directly to me and right this minute, I am too overwhelmed to try and explain it. Maybe later. All I can say right now is “thanks.”
Sharon
At first I did fear any food not prepared by me . But then , somehow I relaxed. I came to the realization that one meal does not define our success or failure, but instead what happens constantly . Thinking that a meal of a burger is going to sabotage me is the same as thinking a meal of lettuce and water is going to make for a miracle weigh in. Food is a complicated issue- it has nutrients and energy ( calories and fat) but also a taste, aroma and sight. These things feed us in different ways, and those are usually emotional attachments. I think creating a healthy relationship with food involves not only respecting things like portions, calories and fat but also accepting that these other factors( taste and smell) are just as important, and all of the events where they are shared and make memories. Go and enjoy lunch with gram. Take a reasonable portion, eat slowly, savor, and season the meal with good conversations. I think that may be the best way to be nourished .
This is really sad, but one time I got really frustereated at work with all of the lunch meetings and people brining in baked goods. So I shared a youtube video with my coworkers. The video was a clip from Seinfeild. It was the one where Elaine gets really mad because every day someone brings in a cake to celebrate something. She goes on to pretty much yell at them and tell them why she doesn’t understand why they have to fill theirselves up food. She basically says her coworkers are sad and pathetic and have no other way of filling up their lives. Now, when I sent that link, I hadn’t seen that episode for a really long time and I honestly thought it was funny. But I think it really hurt my coworkers feelings :/ Not what I intended. I still am frustrated with all of the eating that goes on at work. But I have no right to project my feelings on everyone else! I can make my own decisions and choices.
Are you kidding! This soooo could have been me talking. Fear! Absolutely! My mother in law puts baked good in my fridge while I am gone. I think it is just to torture me, LOL. She knows I don’t eat it anymore, but every week there it is. Watching me. She makes the BEST cookies in the world so as long as it is not those I do well, but these cookies, I tell her she’d be a millionaire if she sold them they are THAT good.
Oh Marisa! This was such a great post. I almost can’t type because I am so choked up….
I would give anything to have one more lunch with my Italian Nan who also thought that food was love.
Glad you went and glad you enjoyed her love.
Awwww, what a great post, Marisa. Isn’t it funny how we get all wound up about something? I mean it’s tuna. It’s not like she was trying to feed you arsenic. LOL Balance is so important.
Oh, and I’ve seen the food your family makes in the photos. There’s a lot of love there and I would find it impossible to resist. Your family gatherings always have me drooling.
I do have a tendency to fear food I’m not prepared for. I may have reacted the same way as you in that situation.
Me, I don’t like Mayo, so that’s not my issue. I may have gotten mad in that situation b/c she was forcing you to eat something that you may truly NOT have wanted.
But she is your Gram, and we have to make concessions for our Grams! I eat what my Gram gives me to!
Loved reading this post Marisa! I love that you were able to analyze the situation, have the sandwich and spend quality time with your grandma and then just get back to your regular programming.
I know what you mean though – because I used to be really strict with my food intake, if I made one “slip” I would be so mad at myself that I would give up . . . for weeks and eat fast food, order pizza at 10:00 p.m. at night.
There are always going to be situations where you can’t control the food – its how you deal with it that makes all the difference.
You go girl!
Hi Marisa, Great article and really strikes home the whole balance issue. I don’t think you can go wrong if you live by the 80/20 rule.
[...] morning’s Loser for Life post got me thinking a lot about my thoughts about [...]
It really is about balance and you are right you won’t gain back your lost weight from eating one tuna salad lunch.
I am so glad you had a good time with her. Oh, how I wish I could have lunch with my Grandmother again!
awesome post. i used to really struggle with this, but i have come to enjoy other food. i think it is much nicer as i don’t have to constantly take my own meals everywhere. my compromise is i just make the portion size smaller. everyone wins!
I love your Gram…God bless her! With our Italian heritage, we both know how real the food/love connection is to the family. It most likely has helped to develop our weakness for food. You so eloquently have described the struggle and beautifully talked your way out of the fear and into relaxing with it. I need to learn to do more of the self-talk thing too! It;s all in our minds. We create such unnecessary stress. You never see my cousins in Italy worrying about eating too much pasta and they are thin as rails. It’s all in the mindset and how we react to the people and events around us. Good for you girlie!!
You are so cute! Love that Italian accent when you quoted your grandma! And what a great way to put it. One tuna sandwich is not going to completely derail you. You’re so right! These things, people, food, food pushers, food lovers, they’re all part of our lives. They’re not going to go away. We have to learn to deal with life, and live it. You’re doing a great job of it!
i actually posted recently about this idea of food as love, it’s a very very hard thing for families to break out of. I tried to explain to my mom last time i was in town that while ordering pizza to her was a treat and said hey glad to see you, for me it just meant I wouldn’t feel all that great cause I prefer fruits and veggies. I think though there is a balance of enjoying the food they offer up, i.e. a little bit of the sandwich plus a salad and apple or something.
Great post, Marisa! I’m glad that you were able to eat, relax and love! I think letting go of fear around food you haven’t prepared yourself can be hard. But it’s so important to allow yourself to enjoy food you don’t have control over once in a while. Food is to be enjoyed, and I do think we often show love through food, and that’s okay. I think if we watch our portions and eat most of the times food we prepare ourselves, we’ll be fine and will not gain 5 pounds during one lunch… And that’s so important to remember. That way we prevent a “chain reaction” of “bad” food choices…
Have a great weekend, Marisa!
Thank you all for your wonderful comments!
ive had exactly the same reaction! i have to give myself a lecture when i find myself dreading work lunches or dinner with friends because i know the menu won’t be in control. not that i always eat healthy, but i like to have control over when i order that cheesey pasta dish! sometimes giving yourself a lecture like that one is a perfect wake up call that one meal won’t make a difference, and that your dread will make the experience much worse than if you just enjoyed yourself.