Best Laid Plans
Hey, guys! Well, I planned on getting back to regular blogging this week, but my husband’s uncle passed away and it’s been an emotional, stressful week. My mind has been so busy and heavy with words; it has been hard to find the time to put them together in a blog post. I had few quiet moments today, so I thought I would finally get around to giving you the update on the weight loss front.
When I took a blogging hiatus for August, I had every good intention of staying on plan and losing weight. Every day started off well. I got my tracking journal out, did some exercise and ate a Points-friendly breakfast. The banana split was one of my faves!
Then… every afternoon ended in disaster. I snacked and snacked and snacked. Oh, and snacked. I think you get the picture 
After a couple weeks, I pretty much gave up. In the three years I’ve been blogging my weight loss journey, it’s the first time I can truly say that I threw in the towel. I just lost it. Lost the motivation to stay true to what I knew worked for losing weight, lost the desire to exercise and lost the enjoyment of eating healthy foods. Most of all, I lost the desire to care about myself.
At the beginning of September, my clothes were getting past the uncomfortable point and more like the “stuffed sausage” point. I knew it wouldn’t be pretty, but I stepped on the scale to assess the damage.
<insert: shock, dismay and temporary loss of consciousness>
I couldn’t believe what I saw. Tipping the scale in the 190’s was not something I ever imagined I’d see after all my years of hard work to lose and maintain weight. That number is way too close to 200 lbs., which is way too close to this…
I never wanted to see 234 lbs. again, but now it seems closer than I would like.
I’m not gonna lie. I felt like a big failure. I was sad, ashamed and scared. Really scared. And you know what scared does to me? Makes me think about all kinds of crazy “lose 20 pounds in a weekend” diet schemes!!! But, after a few days, it also made me take a long, hard look at WHY.
I think I’ve always known the WHY. In fact, I’ve said it many times here on the blog. I am an emotional eater. I use food to cope with many emotions or feelings, whether good or bad. I’ve been doing it forever and although I’ve tried to work on these issues before , I never quite “got it”.
I have reached a place where I realize I need much more help than some books can give me. I want to get to root of my eating issues and learn the tools to be successful.
For this, I am working with Ellen Shuman, an emotional eating recovery coach from A Weigh Out. Although it’s highly personal, I hope to share some of my experience with you about things that I’m working on. If my Weight Watchers buddies are wondering how this will affect my eats, I’m hoping to tie the two together somehow. I will still be posting about my eats or new recipes. At this point, weight loss should not be my focus as it may interfere with the internal work I’m doing. Unfortunately, it’s a hard thing for me to totally release, too, you know?
However, I know this work needs to be done if I am ever going to be successful at staying a healthy weight. And be healthy in my mind! So, as embarrassed as I feel that I’ve allowed this weight gain to happen, I’m also glad that I am now moving toward healing myself, inside and out.
You must think of failure and defeat as the springboards to new achievements or to the next level of accomplishment.
~Les Brown
Onward!
Have a great day, everyone!
Questions? Email me! aloserforlife@gmail.com
53 comments
I’ve been there numerous times. I haven’t had the success you have. I lose the same 20 lbs again and again, and then gain it back and then some. I’ve lost 15 lbs in the past 3 weeks. 10 additional and 5 of that dreaded 20 I keep going back and forth with. I have 116 lbs left to go. I hope you can address your emotional eating. I have a good theory on how my emotional eating started, but don’t have means to speak with a therapist. Good luck in your journey and getting back in the swing of things. You’ve done it before. You can do it again.
Marisa Reply:
September 16th, 2011 at 10:48 pm
Thank you, Amy. I’ve struggled with spending the money for something like this, but I’m at the point where I feel it is necessary for my health. I don’t have the means to make it an ongoing, long term thing, but it’s at least a start to get me working on these issues.
Congrats on your loss! You are doing great! Hang in there!
Big hugs Marisa…you know I’ve been there, done that, more than once. And I am glad you’re getting that kind of help…the kind that doesn’t have weight loss as the focus. In fact, I recently wrote a post about this very thing. It’s something I’ve believed in and have lived and it’s gratifying when it all comes together…a whole body/mind/spirit thing! But it too takes practice…it’s not something we get once and can forget. Fortunately, for me at least, it’s something I enjoy doing (instead of counting calories/points, dieting, and wondering if I exercised enough to burn them).
http://www.kclanderson.com/rhinounicorn
I look forward to your posts!
Marisa Reply:
September 16th, 2011 at 10:42 pm
You are my idol for sure, Karen. Thank you for sharing your journey, also!
I am looking forward to reading your posts. I understand where you are, and thank you for sharing something so personal. That took lots of guts. Best of luck to you!
Marisa Reply:
September 16th, 2011 at 10:41 pm
Thank you, Debbie!
Hi Marisa! I love your blog and have been reading for a long time. Your recipes are so awesome and I just love your energy. You seem like a really cool person. This the first time I’ve ever commented, and I just want to let you know that you’re doing the right thing! Having gone through therapy twice, I know first hand how important and life-changing it can be. It can be painful sometimes, but it has been so worth it for me. I’m also an emotional eater and, after going through therapy the second time around and making some lifestyle changes, I found that losing weight was super easy. I lost 20lbs in one summer. Everyone kept asking me what my “tricks” to losing the weight were, but all I could say was “I got happier.” I still struggle with my emotional eating every now and then, but it’s certainly not as bad as it was. Now that I know how my mind works, I can address the emotional problems a lot better which then lead to stopping the bingeing. Thank you for sharing your journey with us and I wish you all the best! You’re awesome!
Marisa Reply:
September 16th, 2011 at 10:41 pm
Wow, Jennie. I can’t tell you how inspiring it is to hear that you have been through this, gotten help and succeeded! This is such a scary journey and I really appreciate you taking the time to comment! Thanks so much for your kind words, also
seriously Marisa…I totally could have wrote this post myself. Since WW changed to the pp system and I stopped going to regular meetings…for one reason or another…my scale has inched up…clothes are feeling tight and I have gained back about 10 lbs of the weight I initially lost. I really have to get back on track….this week has been better, but not stellar by any means. I hope you find the answers you are looking for and look forward to reading about your success ( of which I know there will be!) I think emotional eating is something so many of us deal with…it has been ingrained into who we are since we were children. That sort of thing isn’t easily pushed aside. Wishing you all the best!
Marisa Reply:
September 16th, 2011 at 10:34 pm
You are exactly right, Renee. What I’m learning is that now it’s become a habit as well as a coping skill.
Uhm..yeh….I TOTALLY get it ,the shame, the frustration, the fear.
And, I missed you.
Glad you are back.
Marisa Reply:
September 16th, 2011 at 10:33 pm
The shame is the worst. Thank you for getting it, Laurie!
I, too, have been there, in a backslide. Each step backwards takes us to a new way through. WW would be out of business if this was so easy and always worked every day of our lives. You can come back from this. You’re a member of our exclusive club who has to work on it every day with every bite, and you can do it with both consciousness and joy.
Hugs.
Marisa Reply:
September 16th, 2011 at 10:27 pm
Thank you for those beautiful words of wisdom, Carbzilla!
I’m so sorry about your family’s loss! Sending you a big hug.
I’m glad you are looking for different ways to get to the bottom of what’s going on. Life, including our weight, is a journey. I do think you have come a long way and you have worked on lots of issues. Emotional eating is tough. It really never goes away, and it’s so easy to fall back into old behaviors…. I hope this new approach will work for you, and I’d love to read anything you feel like sharing with us!
Glad you are back!
Marisa Reply:
September 16th, 2011 at 10:26 pm
I never thought it would be as easy to fall back on those behaviors, especially after living this “healthier lifestyle” for so long! I know there is more for me to work on than just the food. Thanks so much for your support, Andrea!
Like others have said, I have also walked this path and am walking it again. After losing my father and brother earlier this year, I have had a hard time making weight loss a priority. But no more, it’s time. I look forward to hearing whatever you want to share about your journey. Thank you for your honesty and I hope you sense all the support you have here.
-sue
Marisa Reply:
September 16th, 2011 at 10:21 pm
I can only imagine how hard it has been to lose your father and brother in a year, Sue. So sorry for your losses.
I appreciate the support you all give me so very much! Thank you!
My blogging has been lacking lately too. I am up and down here and there I can’t seem to get back on a system,hoping i can find my way back too. here for you!!
Marisa Reply:
September 17th, 2011 at 7:35 am
It’s so hard to get back in the swing after summer, but we’ll get there!
Thank you for your honesty! I have totally been there, done that! I hit my goal weight this summer and am terrified I’ll gain it all back…again. We all struggle, and we can only learn and grow from each other’s experiences. Thank you for sharing yours so beautifully. Your great ideas and recipes helped me reach my goal, and for that I thank you too. Best wishes!!
Marisa Reply:
September 17th, 2011 at 7:37 am
So glad to be able to help, Leigh! Thank YOU for that
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Its good to have you back Marisa and I am so sorry for your families loss.
I think its awesome that you are reaching out to try something different to over come the emotional part of your struggle with weight. It is about so much more than the food!
Weight Watchers and other weight loss programs are great for giving us guidelines on the food plans but they don’t go deep enough to get at the core issue of why we turn to food for reasons other than hunger.
I too am an emotional eater and I so look forward to what you will be able to share with us about this new adventure. It is something that I continue to have to manage.
Knowledge is power and the more you learn the better.
I am here rooting you on to success!
Many hugs to you Marisa! If you ever need to talk, you can email me. My box is always open. When you are a big loser, so much more goes on than just food. Food is really a symptom of what is going on inside. Too many time you hear, “just eat less.” Well – we both know that isn’t the true answer.
It’s not just having a healthy relationship with food, but having a healthy relationship with yourself, which will give you a better relationship with food.
Here’s something to meditate or think about; ” The Past is not your Potential” It is helping me.
Hugs
I am new to your blog (not sure how I got here…but glad I did!). I just want to say that this post is a true motivation to me. I could have written most of it! I hope that this new path leads you where you need to go. I will stay tuned!
You are my inspiration. Thanks for the honesty. Been there. Got back on the wagon. I KNOW you will too.
I am so glad you have found Ellen. I have worked with her for over 5 years at different intervals and she has always brought me to new levels of awareness. If you need some structure, like working with WW, she will help guide you but she will help you most with eating mindfully and not detaching when the emotions get so intense. Believe me, I know. Sixteen months ago my oldest daughter, the light of my life and my best friend, took her life. Although I hadn’t talked to Ellen for some time, I called and started working with her again. If there was ever a time to turn to food to handle my emotions, that was it. But along with other emotional problems, my daughters suffered from an eating disorder. Ellen helped me use my pain to work on my own eating issues and to ease my way through the guilt associated with my daughter’s death. I haven’t talked with Ellen for awhile, but I have lost another 20 lbs. in the last year. It’s a day by day challenge still, but it always gets down to self-care and love for oneself. I wish you well on this journey.
Marisa Reply:
September 18th, 2011 at 4:52 pm
Sharon, first I want to say how sorry I am for the loss of your daughter. I can only imagine how painful that is for you. I am glad you have a support system to help you through this difficult time and hope your healing continues!
Second, thank you so much for sharing about your experience with Ellen. I’m really looking forward to working with her. My first session is tomorrow and I’m SO ready to begin this work!
Oh my friend, I have been there and I know exactly what you’re going through. I’m so glad you found a means of working through it all. You will get to your happy place!!! I’m always here if you need a friend to talk to – just reach out, send me a message, email me, whatever you need. Sending you lots of hugs and tons of support!!!
Marisa Reply:
September 18th, 2011 at 4:53 pm
Thank you so much for that, Jenn! I really appreciate it
Hi Marisa. HUGS!!!! So sorry for your family’s loss. And sorry you are struggling at the moment on your healthy journey. Fresh starts do wonders, what is behind you can’t be changed, all you can do is move forward from today with a bright new perspective and take every day as it comes. So glad you’re back to blogging, look forward to your posts. Take care!!!
Marisa Reply:
September 18th, 2011 at 4:54 pm
Thanks, Roz! Yep, one day at a time…and sometimes even one minute at a time! LOL!
good to see you back! your blog is one i’m always very happy to read. honestly, despite any setbacks you might have, you always have so much enthusiasm, so much drive. and, you KEEP GOING. moving forward. no matter what! your positivity is one of the things that always keeps me coming back to read more! you rock and i hope you know that
Marisa Reply:
September 20th, 2011 at 9:57 am
Aw, thanks Kate! You rock, too!
let to this.
and love how you just keep it honest and real and raw as well.
BLOG when you feel it.
JOURNAL when you dont.
KNOW we are always thinking about you.
Marisa Reply:
September 20th, 2011 at 9:56 am
Thank you, Miz
This post was so honest and powerful. Know that you are not alone in the weight loss/healthy eating journey and that we are all here cheering for you.
Marisa Reply:
September 20th, 2011 at 8:06 am
Thank you so much, Frani!
i really love your blog, I’ve been reading for awhile, found you from Bitchcakes blog. i’m sorry you’re going thru a hard time in your journey, i’m at the exact same place. i was doing really good and i just gave up, now i can feel the difference. don’t give up okay, keep on going, you can do it
thanks so much for sharing!!! xxx marlene
Marisa Reply:
September 20th, 2011 at 8:06 am
Thanks so much, Marlene! I will keep trying! WE can do this!
[...] you so much for your supportive comments on my last post. It was a tough one to write, but I’m glad I am able to acknowledge what’s happened and [...]
Marisa, Sweetie, I am so sorry I missed this post! I have been so wrapped up in my own issues I can’t seem to catch up on my reading. You are in my thoughts. I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW how you feel. I have been to that place many a time. You have emerged now out of the darkness and are on your way again. This is a journey that we must continue, even when we stumble, we pick ourselves up, dust off the donut crumbs (ha ha) and move on. Each time we stumble, we learn a little more about ourselves, right?
Where is that t-shirt that you got (which I then followed and got)? What’s it say? Come on, remember it? What…. what… what’s that saying? “Every Damn Day Just Do It”. Right? So every damn day, we just do it. What does that phrase mean to you? What’s the “it” for you? You know what it is for me? Running? No. Skating? No. To me, the “it” try. Just keep trying. Right? So we can do that, right?
Marisa Reply:
September 20th, 2011 at 9:55 am
You know it!! Thanks for your support, Reen
We are in such a similar place right now. I’m getting back on track as best I can this week. It’s a tough journey, but one I’m hoping to stick with this time. I am SO an emotional eater as well, so I am really looking forward to your thoughts on all of this.
“Emotional eater” could be my middle name. I get it. I understand it, yet still somehow manage to do it. I go in cycles though – so I don’t have a rapid weight gain, just play around with the same 5 pounds for months.
I totally appreciate your honesty Marisa! We can do this!
I’m so glad I came and read this post. I have been frustrated since April as I originally lost 130 lbs and since April I have gained about 15 back. I never thought of myself as an emotional eater, but I think I am. I wish I could talk to a therapist about my issues and get them resolved. I need to lose those 15 lbs plus an additional 20 to get to where I want to be.
Good luck with your journey, I understand it’s personal but if you get some insight into how things can work better, please share.
Hi Marisa! Thinking of you and wishing you success! You are a beautiful person inside and out! Really:)
Marisa Reply:
September 23rd, 2011 at 10:37 am
Thank you, Nadine! xoxo
Thank you for opening up and sharing what’s going on with you! I know that I can relate and I look forward to more posts from you on the matter. Best of luck to you! xo
Marisa Reply:
September 23rd, 2011 at 10:29 am
Thanks so much, Janetha!
…and THIS is why I love your blog so much.
I haven’t been keeping up with blogging – whether its writing or reading because I’ve been in this same situation.
Just yesterday I was talking with my friend about it & I came to the conclusion I needed to speak to someone because it is more than just “I love food”.
I’m wishing you all the best Marisa & can’t wait to read the rest of the posts that I’ve missed out on.